Katniss: That one there, that’s Effie Trinket. She is one of the dumbest women you will ever meet. Gale walked past her on Reaping Day two years ago.
Gale: She asked me if I had bad table manners.
Katniss: That little one, that’s Buttercup.
Gale: He’ll totally live forever because his dad invented The Fountain of Youth.
Katniss: Buttercup knows everybody’s business, he knows everything about everyone.
Gale: That’s why his hair is so big. It’s full of secrets.
Katniss: And evil takes a human form in Alma Coin. Don’t be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she’s so much more than that.
Peeta: [reading from paper] I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school… I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy… [about to cry]
Gale: He doesn’t even live in the Seam!
Greasy Sae: Do you even live here?
Peeta: No… I just have a lot of feelings…
Greasy Sae: Ok, go home…
[Peeta walks off stage]
Greasy Sae: Next!
Katniss: I can’t go out.
Katniss: I’m sick.
Haymitch: Boo, you slug.
Katniss: Oh, god.
Gale: You dirty little liar!
Katniss: I’m sorry, I can explain.
Gale: Explain how you forgot to tell me you were in love with baker-boy?
Madge: Gale, I cannot stop this car. I have a curfew.
Katniss: You know I couldn’t tell you. I had to pretend to be in love with him.
Gale: Hey, Catnip, you’re not pretending anymore. You’re in love. Warm, fuzzy, head-over-heals love.
Madge: Curfew, 1:00 AM! It is now 1:10.
Gale: Did you have an awesome time? Did you shoot awesome arrows, listen to awesome stories, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness?
Katniss: You know what? Haymitch the one who made me like this so he could use me for his Second Quarter Quell revenge!
Gale: God! See, at least me and Peeta know we’re mean! You try to act so innocent like, “Oh, I use to live in the Seam with all the little mockingjays, and the little starving children!”
Katniss: You know what! It’s not my fault you’re like, in love with me, or something!
Madge: Oh, no, the cat’s out of the bag! …No pun intended, Buttercup.
Katniss: Why were you talking to Gale Hawthorne?
Madge: I don’t know, I mean, he’s so weird, he just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about hunting.
Katniss: He’s so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Gale Hawthorne. We were best friends before I became a tribute. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in The Hunger Games, I started going out with my first fake-boyfriend, Peeta, who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to the Victors Village, and Gale was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Peeta, he’d be like, “Why didn’t you call me back?” And I’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” So then, for my victory tour, which was an all-district tour, I was like, “Gale, I can’t invite you, because you’re not a tribute.” I mean I couldn’t have a non-tribute at my victory tour. We were gonna be there in our tribute suits. I mean, right? He wasn’t a TRIBUTE. So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then he dropped out of school because no one would talk to him, and he started working in the fall for the coalmines, all of his clothes were coal miner jumpsuits and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s hunting again.
Katniss: President Coin said she’d give us all of our rights back. And now she is. How can Boggs hate her? She’s such a good… SLUT!
Effie: Ma’am, do you have this in the next size up?
Capitol Saleslady: Sorry, we only carry sizes 1, 3, and 5. You could try District 8.
Katniss: Why are you eating a Kalteen bar?
Effie: I’m starving.
Katniss: Man, I hate those things. My mom makes us eat those when we need to put on some weight.
Katniss: They make you gain weight like crazy.
Effie: Motherf -
[she spits out the bite of the bar that she was chewing, and then she lets out a high-pitched scream]
Haymitch: [to post-war Panem] Okay, yeah. I’ve got an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new tribute this year. And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Effie Trinket’s life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Effie, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Effie said. And we gave these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and then we turned her best friends against her. And then… Oh yeah, Katniss - you know my friend Katniss? She made out with her fake-boyfriend, and we convinced him and all of Panem that she loved him. Oh, God, and we gave Effie sugarcubes instead of Splenda.
Haymitch: God! I am so sorry, Effie. Really, I don’t know why I did this. I guess it’s probably because I’ve got a big *heterosexaul* crush on you! Suck on *that*! AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!
Katniss: Half the people in this room are mad at me because I pretended to be in love with someone, and the other half only like me because I shot our future president with an arrow, so that’s not good.
Buttercup: I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me… but I can’t help it that I’m so immortal.
Finnick: But you’re, like, really pretty.
Katniss: Thank you.
Finnick: So you agree?
Finnick: You think you’re really pretty?
Katniss: Oh… I don’t know
Effie: [about Katniss] I know she’s kind of socially retarded and weird, but she’s my friend… so, just promise me you won’t make fun of her!
Effie: Why don’t I know you?
Katniss: I’m new. I just moved here from District 12.
Katniss: My dad was a coal miner.
Effie: Wait… what?
Katniss: My dad worked in the coalmines…
Effie: No, I know what coal miner is, I’m not retarded! So you’ve actually never been to a real city before? Shut up! Shut up!
Katniss: I didn’t say anything.
Katniss: [voiceover] In the real world, Halloween is a day when kids dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Capitol World, Halloween is every single day of the year and and no other Panem citizens can say anything else about it.